I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
