I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
