dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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