I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We need to rekindle our bromance
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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