Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize