I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
