Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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