Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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