It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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