I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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