We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
