I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
