i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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