Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Farmville is her only friend.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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