What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
