I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
