just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just pee around me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
