I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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