i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
