I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize