well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
