sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
