The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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