just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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