At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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