I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
