Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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