I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
