1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
