we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
