I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
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Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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