sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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