i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
