I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
