so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I did not marry a roomba.
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