Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
