It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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