my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
