So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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