Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
