Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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