Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
