I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
