My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
