My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
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how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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