i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
