You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
People in love make me want to vomit
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize