Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
