Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
