I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
