Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
