see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
