Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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