I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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