I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
