OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
