Small penises have feelings too.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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