***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
