the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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