That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
