I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
