we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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