My liver just broke up with me...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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