the condom got lost in my hair
farters have to be the big spoon...
Everything about him screamed your future.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
